Custom Bats Cricket Forum
General Cricket => World Cricket => England => Topic started by: petehosk on January 29, 2018, 04:38:15 PM
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Following on from the "Best" topic, I couldn't resist starting this topic.
If nothing else it is an education as I have not heard of a few of these players......or maybe I just forgot about them!
Any other candidates, feel free to add them?
England Worst Ever Test XI
Brace yourself. The following England team is a collection of the not-so-good, the bad, and in the case of Martin McCague, the ugly. It’s a compilation of misfits, one-cap-wonders, has-beens, and honest county pros that should never have played for England. In fact, you’ll barely remember some of them. So let’s take a trip down memory lane, and thank Misters Illingworth, Graveney, Miller, and Ted ‘that Martin McCaddick is a good bowler’ Dexter for giving us a few laughs over the years.
1. Tim Curtis Used to teach English at Worcester Grammar School. He was certainly taught a lesson or two by the West Indies in 1988 (5 caps, batting average 16)
2. Martin Moxon Now a career coach at Yorkshire and Durham, it’s hard to believe that Moxon once made 99 in a test against New Zealand. In the next match, he was 81no overnight at the end of the third day. Days four and five were washed out. It just wasn’t meant to be. (10 caps, batting average 28)
3. Ed Smith Good old Ed is a prolific writer and journalist. Just a shame he wasn’t so productive with the bat for England. Scored 64 in his first ever test knock, but just 23 in his next four innings. International oblivion followed. Oh dear. (3 caps, batting average 17.4)
4. Darren Maddy Not the prettiest batsman to have played the game. Missed the entire 2009 season with injury. The result? Warwickshire got promoted. (3 caps, batting average 11.5)
5. Usman Afzaal After thrashing England in the 2001 Ashes, a leading Australian player commented that English players were soft because they earned fat county contracts at a young age and thought they were the dog’s b****cks despite achieving nothing. He highlighted a recent England debutant, who had turned up to the first test with a cocky relaxed attitude and an ego the size of his flashy convertible car. The cricketer in question was Usman Afzaal. Not surprisingly the fired up Aussies sent Afzaal packing. (3 caps, batting average 16.6)
6. Aftab Habib We’ve never heard of him either, but we vaguely remember a lost looking Asian guy representing England in two tests against the Kiwis in 1999. That must have been Habib. (2 caps, batting average 8.6)
7. Richard Blakey There were quite a few candidates here, but we found the former Yorkshire keeper’s record (two tests, 4 innings, seven runs, an average of 1.75 and just two catches) impossible to resist. Indeed he’s more famous for the name of his autobiography, controversially named Taking It From Behind, than his keeping. Stop sniggering at the back please.
8. Min Patel No, you’re probably thinking of the pie eater, this is a different Patel. Min Patel played two tests for England in 1996. He took just the one wicket. Remember who it was? Neither do we. (caps 2, bowling average 180)
9. Alan Igglesden When Igglesden walked into the England dressing room before his debut in 1989, England captain David Gower asked him who he was. Later that summer, Ted Dexter enthused about his latest new recruit, the little known ‘Malcolm Devon’. Not surprisingly, Gower had never heard of him either. (3 caps, bowling average 55)
10. Mike Smith Gloucestershire fans claim that Mike Smith’s England career would have been very different had Graham Thorpe held a simple chance to dismiss Matthew Elliott in just the third over of his solitary test appearance. Err … no it wouldn’t. (1 cap, bowling average n/a he didn’t take a wicket)
11. Darren Pattinson Miller’s folly. Former Australian grade cricketer Darren Pattinson was plucked from obscurity to play one test against South Africa at Headingly 2008. It was the archetypal ‘horses-for-courses’ selection; although the selectors failed to see that he was more of a donkey. (1 cap, bowling average 48).
Twelfth Man: Martin McCague Good old ‘Martin McCaddick’, as Ted Dexter liked to call him, was originally going to open the bowling in our starting XI. Unfortunately however, he predictably picked up an injury in the warm up.
So there you have it – England’s worst ever test XI (well, the worst since we’ve been watching cricket, anyway). Can you think of anybody we’ve missed?
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I'm just glad Darren Pattinson is in there
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I get PTSD reading some of those names, being an England fan has been tough over the years!
Ian Salisbury
Creepy Crawley
I'm pretty sure the ODI team would be even worse!
PS - Great thread!
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I'm amazed Bopara isn't in there
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I get PTSD reading some of those names, being an England fan has been tough over the years!
Ian Salisbury
Creepy Crawley
I'm pretty sure the ODI team would be even worse!
PS - Great thread!
You mean John Paul Crawley?! I loved the guy,awesome off his legs,smoked like a chimney, and was sponsored by Peak Sports at some point. Average of 34 in the era he played could be considered a success!
Here is my side:
1.Nick Knight
2.Steve James
3.Hugh Morris
4.Chris Adams
5.Ian Ward
6.Adam Hollioake (C)
7.Warren Hegg (wkt)
8.Richard Dawson
9.Jimmy Ormond
10.Ed Giddings
11.Alan Mullally
12th Man: Chris Schofield
Nice long batting lineup!
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I think anyone who has made hundreds should be spared this ignominy.
Apart from Keaton Jennings.
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I'd put Nick Knight's name from 1 to 11
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Simon Kerrigan must have been worth a spot as 12th man at least? The worst player to ever get an Ashes winners medal?
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Simon Kerrigan must have been worth a spot as 12th man at least? The worst player to ever get an Ashes winners medal?
Nailed on as the #1 spinner in the XI for me over the other candidates, I can remember those loopy full bungers and long hops being dispatched by Shane Watson like it was yesterday. Poor guy will probably never have the chance to redeem himself. Salisbury was a bit of revelation on his debut against Pakistan in 92, sad that it all went a bit pear-shaped after that. And at least Schofield got a test 50.
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I'd put Nick Knight's name from 1 to 11
He wasn’t great, but his Test hundred puts Nick Knight ahead of James Vince
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James Whitaker anyone? One test on the otherwise triumphant 86/7 ashes tour, I can remember him getting out to the most awful shot for not many, never seen again.
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Warwickshire opener Nick Knight batted at 7 for england and was one of 6 county openers in the side. Was mental.
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I'm sure I've seen Martin McCague actually play in a test match so he's definitely in, fearsome quick bowler by reputation, turned out not to be as quick as Edge at the Southern nets.
To make matters worse, he was absolutely definitely.....An Australian, so was playing for the wrong team.
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I think anyone who has made hundreds should be spared this ignominy.
Apart from Keaton Jennings.
I had to have one half decent player in there, otherwise it wouldn't be a proper international side.
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I'm sorry, I know I will be castigated for happening to come from Yorkshire but - in a side of otherwise abject awfulness, how does Froggy Moxon get in? He was poorly treated by the selectors, always being picked when Graeme Gooch didn't fancy it, and was a quality player.
Some that have barely been mentioned...
Amongst the batsmen, Mark Lathwell has to be up there. I'd also suggest that Paul Parker and Alan Wells would be close.
The bowlers are the gift that keeps on giving. To my memory, you'd want to discuss the claims of Joey Benjamin, Jimmy Ormond, Kabir Ali...but the two worst have to be Amjid Khan and the truly daft Mike Watkinson. I'll also counter suggestions of white rose blindness by pointing out that, however badly treated by Nasser Hussain, few will manage as statistically shocking a test career as Gavin Hamilton!
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Aftab, albeit without a great England record, is a genuinely nice person.
I've both been coached by and been a support coach for him, and not only is he a good coach, but he's a good laugh too.
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I'm sorry, I know I will be castigated for happening to come from Yorkshire but - in a side of otherwise abject awfulness, how does Froggy Moxon get in? He was poorly treated by the selectors, always being picked when Graeme Gooch didn't fancy it, and was a quality player.
Not from Yorkshire but was a big fan of them in the 80s, thought Moxon was very good bat, had high hopes for him and Bill Athey at the time. When he got his 99 I think he was denied runs which were given as leg byes so even unluckier?
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Not from Yorkshire but was a big fan of them in the 80s, thought Moxon was very good bat, had high hopes for him and Bill Athey at the time. When he got his 99 I think he was denied runs which were given as leg byes so even unluckier?
The infamous sweep that went 80m? Not seen it but rumour is it was an odd call.
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I thought Devon Malcolm or Malcolm Devon as Dexter called him took over 100 wickets for England he was hit on the head in a test match when batting and is reputed to have said you guys are history and went on to blast them out winning the game for England.
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I can't believe we've missed Zafar Ansari. If we did ODIs Alex Loudoun would top even Zafar!
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How about Corrigan nerves poor lad.
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Love this post! Reminds me of my days back at uni sat at the back of boring lectures, where we'd work out our England ugly 11 or worst hair do 11. Sadly, mostly football though as most of my mates were more footballers.
Derek Pringle - god he was crap! Also Mark Illott, David Capel and Chris Cowdrey. He was useless at county level, let alone test level and only got selected because he was a Cowdrey. Shame we can't include Mark Nicholas on this list, but even our crap selectors couldn't sink that low!
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I've gone for 89/90 onwards as this is from when I remember cricket being a thing.
Hugh Morris (Dynadrive though)
Ian ward
Vince
Maddy
Adams
Irani
Ambrose
Salisbury
Illott
Mccague
P Taylor
This includes a 3 Test minimum or you're not comin in.
Ambrose is harsh, but only Foster comes close and his hands are so pure...
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Derek Pringle may be less crap than first appears. We tried God knows how many allrounders in the period he played.
Ungainly he may have looked but did score some useful runs and got wickets too.
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How about Corrigan nerves poor lad.
He was a centre-half for Motherwell
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If we did ODIs Alex Loudoun would top even Zafar!
But he had a doosra! :D
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Irani woke Hussain up pretty quickly to the fact that picking your mates is folly. A much worse Essex all rounder than Pringle.
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Not from Yorkshire but was a big fan of them in the 80s, thought Moxon was very good bat, had high hopes for him and Bill Athey at the time. When he got his 99 I think he was denied runs which were given as leg byes so even unluckier?
I think Moxin could be the only Yorkshireman with an actual excuse to moan about his lot. He was really unlucky, and no one likes those in a team. So probably warrants his inclusion for this reason.
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This topic is peak England fans....
The topic where we're discussing the Best XI has 6 replies and the Worst XI is already at the bottom of two pages!
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Does Boyd Rankin get an honourable mention too as a one Test wonder?
I'm not quite sure why he was picked for England and he did his best to justify the questions over his selection before he broke down
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Poor old Ian Salisbury his 20 wickets at 77 still couldn’t get him in the XI, will he ever get a proper run in the side??
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Derek Pringle may be less crap than first appears.
Pringle wasn't crap, he was just damned by his failure to have the magnetic personality and ability to change a game that Ian Botham did. Viewed as a bouncy, back of a length bowler who did a bit with it, he was decent enough, especially in the years before injuries reduced his pace.
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Love this post! Reminds me of my days back at uni sat at the back of boring lectures, where we'd work out our England ugly 11 or worst hair do 11. Sadly, mostly football though as most of my mates were more footballers.
Derek Pringle - god he was crap! Also Mark Illott, David Capel and Chris Cowdrey. He was useless at county level, let alone test level and only got selected because he was a Cowdrey. Shame we can't include Mark Nicholas on this list, but even our crap selectors couldn't sink that low!
Wasn't Cowdrey Captain for one match many thought Mark Nicolas although not the best batsman would have made an excellent England Captain
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How has Gavin Hamilton not got a mention..?
1 test, 2 ducks and 0/63
Strong credentials for the all rounder's spot!
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How has Gavin Hamilton not got a mention..?
1 test, 2 ducks and 0/63
Strong credentials for the all rounder's spot!
I did mention him!
And his figures were rather worse than that.
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I did mention him!
And his figures were rather worse than that.
Just re-read! My apologies but his horrendous statistical analysis definitely warrants a serious selection committee re-think ;).
His only innings in test cricket read 15-1-63-0
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Just re-read! My apologies but his horrendous statistical analysis definitely warrants a serious selection committee re-think ;).
His only innings in test cricket read 15-1-63-0
1 Maiden over? Obviously he can bowl quality then ;)
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Surely the only answer is:
1. Chris Woakes
2. Chris Woakes
3. Chris Woakes
4. Chris Woakes (C)
5. Chris Woakes
6. Chris Woakes
7. Chris Woakes (+)
8. Chris Woakes
9. Chris Woakes
10. Chris Woakes
11. Chris Woakes
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Jake Ball has had a pretty mediocre career thus far, but somehow I feel there is more to come from him...(more dross?!)
Perhaps gets a place in the squad, or England's worst ever Lions squad!
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Ball was awesome in 2016. I'm not convinced he has been fully fit two straight weeks since....
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I played junior cricket for Somerset with Aftab Adib. He was a year younger than me but played up as he was an exceptional player. Free scholarship at Millfield. Nice lad who had a decent county career but did not live up to his potential shown at 15. Plenty of those around though 😀
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Surely the only answer is:
1. Chris Woakes
2. Chris Woakes
3. Chris Woakes
4. Chris Woakes (C)
5. Chris Woakes
6. Chris Woakes
7. Chris Woakes (+)
8. Chris Woakes
9. Chris Woakes
10. Chris Woakes
11. Chris Woakes
This has aged like a pint of milk left in the sun.
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This has aged like a pint of milk left in the sun.
Shh, you'll summon SeniorPlayer.