Titans of Cricket: Crickertainment, but not cricket as we know itWelcome to the bizarre future of cricket. But if you like watching Test matches, then you may want to look away now
It was billed as The Titans of Cricket at the 02 Arena, London. Well, one out of three isn't bad: it did definitely take place in London. Beyond this the participants at the weekend's one-off cricket spectacular were often less than Titanic (no offence intended, Lou Vincent of Auckland and Sussex); and while there were four teams out there in the smoke and lights of the cavernous central arena, none of them were playing anything that resembled cricket.
Of course this travelling spectacular with its "cricket-related tasks" and roster of basking greats (Flintoff! Afridi! Gilchrist! Vincent!) is not cricket at all but is instead cricket-related product, crickertainment, crick-bizz. It is perhaps best seen as a taster for people who find the IPL a bit too grown-up and complex. This is cricket on crack, the Ashes on acid, a moment to just sit back and let them crickertain you.
The Titans tour has had a difficult birth this summer. Shows in Birmingham and Manchester had already been cancelled so that in the event the opening night in London was also its finale. As the lights went down and the cheerleaders emerged in a pool of purple light to perform five minutes of inappropriately erotic groin‑thrusting there was a shrill squeal of grateful expectation from the half-filled plastic stands. And suddenly it was time for "Goood evening Loooondon!!!" as our hosts for the evening emerged from the wings to introduce our teams.
In Greek mythology the titans were a family of indomitable ancient giants and it seemed an apt analogy for these fraternal former greats sprawled on their sofas at one end of the Titans Area. Not least for the 50-year-old David Boon of Team Australia, who last played cricket in 1999 and who sat unmoved on his couch throughout, coyly declining to actually display his "ultimate skills".
Boon did get the biggest laugh of the night. Asked to confirm once and for all whether he had drunk a record tally of cans of lager on the Sydney to London flight he replied, wearily: "How would I know?"
Pakistan boasted a supine and notably chunky Shoaib Akhtar. There was a 2005‑ish England starring Andrew Flintoff, Marcus Trescothick and the Yorkshireman Joe Root who would put on a supercharged show in the fielding round, utterly outdoing Paul Collingwood. Adam Gilchrist, Jason Gillespie and, for some reason, Tom Maynard of Surrey made up the Australian legends. The Rest of the World featured Sanath Jayasuriya, who crops up pretty much everywhere these days, like a notably persistent bluebottle.
After an unbelievable amount of shouting it was time for the first "test": Ultimate Fielder, a business of catching balls and throwing them at targets. Azhar Mahmood demonstrated that he is definitely not The Ultimate Fielder, or even a particularly good fielder. Shahid Afridi, who had got off a plane two hours before, ended up looking like he wanted to hit someone. And a group of drunk Australians made it clear they were going to shout "(No Swearing Please)" whenever Vincent did anything at all, to much neck-swivelling anxiety from the parents in front of them.
After a great deal more shouting the bowling machines were wheeled out for Bat Attack. This was the most interesting bit of the night, mainly for the sight of Gilchrist smashing every ball he faced 10mph faster than anyone else. Right until the very last when Afridi, after missing repeatedly, scythed one up on to the roof and won it by 1mph (pretty much an everyday Afridi innings then).
Other highlights included Flintoff telling the auditorium "I wasn't wearing a box – I was worried about me plums" after a round of Batwang! Or Batshit! or whatever it was. And Gilchrist getting genuinely irritated by the partisan crowd and later knocking out the middle stump with some medium pace (the man is horribly talented).
Of course it is unfair to carp and the Titans was energetic entertainment for its target crowd. It is above all a family affair and the highlight was the many excited children present, all hopefully a bit more hooked on the real stuff now. And even for the purists is it perhaps better to see events such as this as not so much a nadir as a moment of clarity, a warning from the future, a time for cricket to ponder its recent sins and promise to be simpler, kinder, less of a goon in future.
The night ended with the flaring absurdity of Shoaib and Andrew Hall hurling cricket balls at targets in a sudden‑death multi‑event finale (at one point Shoaib literally collapsed from the effort). After much apparently never‑ending weirdness, Pakistan finally pinned the winning target and it was left to Shoaib to have the last words of a triumphant night. "Thank god it's over," he announced to the departing crowds.
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