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[mdg20]

i remember we played a premier team in the cup, i was keeping and my mate was at first slip. Batsmen made some comment about my mate being **** so he jokingly said i cant be that bad as i was in the paper last week (he was one of the randomly selected insert pics to use on the back page of our local rag). The batsmen then came back with i was in the paper too, because i raped your nan.

One of the most bizare things i've ever heard

[dilscoop]

Ouch

[Rowan]

Im only 16, and was playing in a low grade mens comp.
When I was batting the fast bowler from the opposition team came up to me and said he was going to rape me in the showers after the game. Safe to say thats the quickest shower ive ever had haha.

[El Nino]

My fav comment I've gotten was

I was in England playing as an Overseas a few years ago, I'm a fast bowler and had had an okay start to the season (this was about rd 5). Took a few wickets in the first Innings bowled ok, but then I came out to bat, was batting about 8 or 9 and we just had to block out 2 or 3 overs for the draw.

Anyway had been in a few balls looking solid when first slip said to me "have heard all about you from Australia, but I didn't realise you were an all rounder" I didnt mind this, pumping me up a bit, then came "Yeah, you're (No Swearing Please) (No Swearing Please) at everything"

Every game in England I'd always get" "that's a long way to paddle home" etc etc, but I'd give as much as I got.

[TangoWhiskey]

The best one I have heard for a while happened this weekend.

We were playing against a side who we play in a Sunday friendly twice a year, we have been every year for about the last 30 years. They are predominantly of West Indian heritage with many of them having lived there recently and they are all without exception a great bunch of blokes, so there probably wasn't as much malice as some of the ones in here but this really tickled me.

Our spinner, who is known for bowling rubbish if he starts getting some tap, released the ball. The 50 year old slightly rotund batsman facing almost immediately (whilst the ball was still in the air) shouted: "OH, DON' BOWL DER MAN!" in his broad Caribbean accent before absolutely pummelling this ball into the field back over the bowlers head. I have never seen someone actually start sledging before they have hit the ball, much less actually then smash it for a huuuuge six. I was cracking up with laughter, it was bloody hilarious. 

[MD2812]

A team we were playing in Surrey 2nd XI div 2 last season fell out with each other!
A previous captain decided to take over the captaincy (known as bad santa due to his big white beard and bad ttitude), and most the team were so scared of him that they mutinied with him.

They were a mostly a team of Asian lads (including bad santa), one 15 year old Asian drops a standard boundary catch. The guy who had now taken over captaincy shouted.

"You're effing s..t!!! Why don't you eff off to heathrow before I call immigration to ship you off instead"

We were pretty stunned.

Some other great moments from that match:

The captain who had been overtaken was fielding deep midwicket. We scored a lot of runs one over as when the ball came to him he clapped it across the boundary.

Bad santa giving our captain abuse because we didn't declare at 300.

We declared at 325, they got 250 so weren't too far off.

The bank is a road so don't want to declare to early!

Mr.Chappers got 90 odd that day I believe.

[bruggers100]

When I was 15, played my first season in the league 1st's.  Think I was batting about 5 or 6 against East Molesey who had a South African overseas quick bowler.  He proceeded to pepper me with bouncers and after every ball kept telling that he was going to kill me.

What a d*ck he was, but I thank him for introducing me to some of the drivel I've experienced over the next 25 years of playing.

On the funnier note, Billingshurst are up there with the best of them for nastier verbals, but made me laugh last year when I was was chirped for not playing shots.  'Your so boring, Antiques Roadshow must be your favourite TV show'.  I didn't let on that I was looking forward to Casualty when I got home from the game !

[fasteddie]

The worst thing by far is when the Umpire says; 'You're out'.

Nothing hurts more than that.

[Bruce]

Father in law comes on to bowl, Umpire asks his name: ''Phil Park'' he replies.
Umpire turns around and says: ''Do you have a brother?''

''No... But my sister has''

[richthekeeper]

i play 2nd XI and have done for a few years so most people in the league know me by now. i don't get sledged much as i tend to keep my mouth shut when batting and focus my energies on abusing my team mates in the field from behind the stumps.

anyway the most effective comment was from a young oppo keeper last season as i raised my bat for my half century after 18 overs in an away game. he said "that's your second 50 against us this season isn't it?"

it was such a mild comment and probably not intended to wind me up at all, but i got run out the very next ball!

[rbblack]

The most comedy bit of sledging I've experienced was playing at Eton when I was about 15. Their keeper loved a bit of chat as their bowler was coming in, all sorts of stuff being said the usual bit of comedy banter etc. but it was a bit incessant, nigh on every delivery.

I was opening with my friend and we got to about the 10th over with him facing when the keeper said this; (slightly altered) - "My god, how do you play Cricket with such tatty old bat. It must be horrible being poor."

To which he replied "At least Mummy and Daddy love me and don't ship me off to boarding school to get abused by older kids."

It must have hit a nerve as he shut up for the rest of the innings.....

[Manormanic]

By far the worst put down I ever heard was delivered by one of our former players when he returned with his new club - "you're not good enough for me to bother sledging you any more".

[Seniorplayer]

Two seasons ago a 15 year old came out with me to open, as he took  his guard 2nd slip said hey son there's S--T on the end of your bat the lad then turned his bat upwards and looked at the toe 2nd slip then said not that end the other end. Disgraceful IMO.

[Gingerbusiness]

The most comedy bit of sledging I've experienced was playing at Eton when I was about 15. Their keeper loved a bit of chat as their bowler was coming in, all sorts of stuff being said the usual bit of comedy banter etc. but it was a bit incessant, nigh on every delivery.

I was opening with my friend and we got to about the 10th over with him facing when the keeper said this; (slightly altered) - "My god, how do you play Cricket with such tatty old bat. It must be horrible being poor."

To which he replied "At least Mummy and Daddy love me and don't ship me off to boarding school to get abused by older kids."

It must have hit a nerve as he shut up for the rest of the innings.....

I enjoy this comeback a lot!

[Tail Ender]

Square leg umpire, one of our opponent's players, didn't give a run out. I was at point so I had the same view (albeit from the opposite side, but could see he should've given it) as him and it wasn't even close. It was one of those ones were everyone celebrates because they knew it was out. The bloke was a good two metres short. But square leg didn't give it, and there was shock. At change of over I crossed paths with him and couldn't help but ask him "need me to clean your glasses, mate?" He flew off the handle and responded with "yeah and then you can suck my c--k you fat c--t". I just laughed at him, because he was bigger than me and that reaction basically proved his guilt, but the rest of my team lay into him and had him removed from umpiring.