It just gets better, courtesy of Ather's in today's Times!
Having dropped Shane Watson, the vice-captain, and three other players for not sending in their homework, Mickey Arthur, the Australia coach, spent the days leading up to the third Test against India that starts on Thursday (4am GMT) sifting through the responses of those players who could be bothered to reply to his cry for help. A mole inside the Australia camp has helpfully forwarded the best of them to The Times.
David Warner “Where’s that feckin’ Cowan bloke when you need him? I thought that’s what team spirit is supposed to be about. He’s my opening partner, he’s got a university degree and all that and he can spell. Christ, I thought I’d left all this schoolboy stuff behind when they kicked me outta the academy.
“What’s more, he’s bound to have an idea or two, wrapped up in his big words to make ’em sound clever, but he’s nowhere to be found. Probably out on the streets taking in what he calls ‘the sights, the smells, the sounds’ of India. WTF. As soon as I find him, coach, I’ll let you know what I think.”
Ed Cowan “My dear Mickey. First of all, congratulations on this new initiative; anything to get these illiterates I’m playing alongside thinking about this great game. Perhaps I can start with a quote from page 19 of my excellent book, In the Firing Line (all good booksellers, etc):
‘I have become a firm believer in left-handed batting coaches for left-handed batters (and vice versa): the worlds of left and right-handers are like different games covered by the same laws.’
“Now, we have a problem here, Mickey. Warner, myself, Hughes, Wade, Khawaja (when available again) are all left-handers. You, Mickey, were a right-hander (of sorts). I know we have Di Venuto here, but where does that leave you? Andy Flower, on the other hand, well, no wonder Alastair Cook scored a mountain of runs out here before Christmas. And they’ve sent Swanny off to get his elbow sorted out before the start of the Ashes, ’cos he doesn’t like bowling at left-handers much, does he? We need some right-handers — Watson, perhaps, although not to open, obviously.
“One more thing (p77): ‘Batting and scoring runs are two very different practices.’ Is that clear now?”
Phillip Hughes “Coach — if I can call you that — you’ve really got to look at your own game. I mean, how long have you been in the job now? Look at me, for example. I’ve still got exactly the same technical flaws as I had when you first arrived. I jump around like a cat on hot coals against pace and I’ve no idea what my scoring options are against spin. Twenty-five runs in four innings here and Ashwin has got me on toast — starts loosening up as soon as I come in. And what are you doing to help?
“Instead of dropping me and bringing in Khawaja, you’ve left him out and now I’ll have to play again. Don’t you know what that’s going to do to my fragile state of mind? The Poms are up next, and they’ve got good quickies and spinners. Any chance of getting in a coach who can sort out my game? Big ask, I know.
“It’s not just me. Take Johnson. If his arm gets any lower he’s going to give an umpire brain damage one of these days. Tie a short piece of string between his wrist and his ear, might keep his arm up a bit. Just a thought.”
Michael Clarke “Buddy, just to let you know that rather than a quick e-mail ironing out our problems, I’ll be giving a full-on PowerPoint presentation to the boys that will include Slide Zoom, Slide Navigator and Auto-extend. I’ll need full interactivity and 4G.
“I want to emphasise the need to improve three things above all: our skill sets, the execution thereof, our processes and our percentages. Those three things should do it. Dovey has talked a bit about the loss of our intellectual property (‘IP’), so I want to touch on that as well (if you can let me know WTF he’s on about before the meeting that would be helpful).
“The other thing is — and it’s a bit tricky for me to bring this one up, so you might have to jump in here — I can’t do it all on my own. I know it’s good for my brand to keep scoring more runs than the rest put together, but if we keep losing then it’s no good for me. By the way, it’s going to take me a bit of time to do all this, so I’ll get Erskine to pop an invoice in the post for the extra work. Let’s stick together and we can come through this. If we don’t, well it’s your head on the block.
Mitchell Johnson (when his reply was eventually found): “Hey, man. I know that this goes against the grain and all (well, you did ask for honesty) but how about a few days’ R&R in Goa before the next game?
“Everyone’s a bit uptight right now and I think we’ve got to chill a bit more. A nice relaxed B&B on the beach, get the boards out, couple of beers in the evening, spread a bit of love around. I know a good tattooist down there. We could all have one done as a bonding exercise and then when things get tough on the field, we can look at them and remind ourselves we’re all in it together. Cool, eh? I was thinking of getting another one done in any case, ’cos the Japanese koi and cherry blossoms haven’t brought me much luck on this trip. If you’ve got any ideas what I might go for, then send me an e-mail. Better still, drop round. Be good to talk. Cool breeze.”
Xavier Doherty “Christ, you want some ideas from me about how the team can improve, when I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Nathan’s supposed to be the No 1 spinner, and he’s the guardian of the team song, although we won’t be needing that on this tour, so get him back in the team, that’s the first thing. And Maxwell — he always had confidence in himself. Wontcha just leave me alone?”
Peter Siddle “Listen, I’m just a dumb fast bowler, but even I can see how ridiculous it all looks. We’ve got a former rugby player in charge of our whole system, a former operations manager of the England rugby team now managing us, and you, a South African, as coach. What’s wrong with someone who knows a bit about Australian cricket?
“It’s not quite as bad as New Zealand, where the chief selector is a former manager of lawn bowls, but come on, everyone’s laughing at us. I’ll just keep running in, breaking my back on these surfaces, spilling my guts for the team. Is that not enough? Three things? You want three things? How about batting better, bowling better and fielding better. That should do it.”
• Letters as imagined by Mike Atherton
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Topic: Australia in India 2013 (Read 45609 times)