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[TangoWhiskey]

Here's my idea for a thread. Vent your spleen here about an idiot from the other team today. Please be careful not to mention names or teams or anything that could identify said player, you don't want to be sued for defamation!

I was injured recently so I volunteered to umpire our midweek cup game against a pretty decent side. My team won the toss and elected to field first (error in my opinion) and the other team got off to a flying start, they were on about 70 after 6 overs. (We play fourteen 8-ball overs in our midweek comp, so it's not quite as bad as it sounds!) The first wicket fell and their first drop came in. Instantly when he came out I could tell he was going to be one of these blokes who think they are the pup's nuts. I was at square leg but from what I could see he took a huge swing at his first ball and missed it by at least a foot. He instantly blamed the sightscreen being out of place and requested that it was moved about 6 inches to the right. Next ball he left and the third he snicked through the vacant second slip area for four. End of the over.

First or second ball of the over the other batsman got a single and Mr. Chump was back on strike. He dangled his bat out to it nowhere near to his body/pads/ground/anything that could have made a noise and it took the inside edge, deviating massively to the point where the keeper took it to his left. Appeal went up and I of course gave it out. He stood there, held his arms out and shouted 'what?!' loudly before stomping off to the pavilion to tell all of his mates loudly that he'd been triggered. I couldn't help but laugh when one of his mates said that they heard the noise from the pavilion only for him to carry on swearing blind that he hadn't hit it.

Anyone else got any other chump stories?

[WalkingWicket37]

Had a bloke claim he was caught over the line so it was a 6 one week. As he was effing and jeffing about it one of his team mates said to him "shut the duck up, it was barely over the 30 yard circle, let alone the boundary"
He proceeded to call his teammate a 'hunt' and drove off before the end of the game, total chopper!

[ajmw89]

Can we use this thread to moan about people in our own team?  There's one chump I can think have to pick every week but manages to annoy even the most placid bloke on the team...

[calcurtis98]

There's a kid who plays both on a Tuesday and Saturday with us to make up the numbers and the amount of catches that he drops is unbelievable, he's a ball magnet and can't catch.

Last night, they had a clown who thought he was something special asked for 'two' then middle and leg and got out the very next ball, karma, KARMA!

[TangoWhiskey]

Can we use this thread to moan about people in our own team?  There's one chump I can think have to pick every week but manages to annoy even the most placid bloke on the team...

I don't see why not!

[ajmw89]

Said numpty is one of the better players on my team, but has a serious ego problem.  Talks a good game, but when it comes down to it, he's a bit lacking between the ears.

Anyway, I've got an agressive offside field set (2 slips, gully, short cover, the works).  Only 2 on the legside, at fine leg (on the finer side of fine leg) and a squarish mid wicket.  Numpty bowls the batsman a leg stump half volley which travels at speed down to square fine leg, blames the opening bowler (who's a bit of a carthorse) at fine leg for not getting it, when he'd struggle to cover the ground.  Next ball, another leg stump half volley, this time dispatched to about backward square leg for 4. 

Starts moaning that I should have someone quicker down there.  usain Bolt wouldn't have stopped the 2nd one! I hold my tongue, but 1st slip says exactly what I was thinking and tells him to stop bowling leg stump s**te and bowl to his field.

Numpty then goes and takes a lucky grab at short leg off my leg spinner and spends the rest of the day telling anyone how he should field at short leg every game.

On saturday, he's doing fine leg to fine leg and not opening the bowling as punishment for not doing what he's told and shutting up.  And if he wants to field at short leg, I'm bowling half track pies!

[Bowlers Name Please]

Played against a complete meathead the other week who fair enough scored 60 odd in quick time but after pumping nearly every ball over the boundary would turn around to the pavilion arms aloft screaming and I kid you not "BOOYAH, COME ON!" followed by several expletives!

It made for an interesting 20 minutes behind the stumps that day!. 

[TangoWhiskey]

Played against a complete meathead the other week who fair enough scored 60 odd in quick time but after pumping nearly every ball over the boundary would turn around to the pavilion arms aloft screaming and I kid you not "BOOYAH, COME ON!" followed by several expletives!

It made for an interesting 20 minutes behind the stumps that day!. 

Haha one of my mates used to entertain me with stories about one of his teammates who would do stuff like that. Scream "BOOOOOOOOM" as he smashed a ball for six, hold poses until the bowler started running in for the next ball etc. Sounded hilarious.

We played a team a couple of months ago who had a big West Indian fella batting for them. One of our spinners was bowling and literally at the point he released it the batsman said in his Carribbean accent 'Don't bowl there man!' before smashing it out of the park. I was in stitches. 

[OwzatOllie]

This thread is pure gold! Some kid on the oppo was wearing a thigh pad over his whites....

[toenails97]

I'm sure we all have that player at our club aswell who launches his kit at the changing room wall whilst moaning about how much of a Jaffa he has recieved....bearing in mind everyweek he seems to get a Jaffa, even it's a half tracker it just happened to seam a mile

[WalkingWicket37]

I'm sure we all have that player at our club aswell who launches his kit at the changing room wall whilst moaning about how much of a Jaffa he has recieved....bearing in mind everyweek he seems to get a Jaffa, even it's a half tracker it just happened to seam a mile

Or he's been triggered, can't forget that one! Haha

[Neon Cricket]

I played against a lad last Saturday, biggest chump ever - naturally a keeper, he stood up for the whole innings and had some of the worst chat I'd ever heard. Made out he was the best thing since sliced bread, probably forgetting he was playing 2nd team cricket in Division 5...

The worst bit for me is he was fully decked out in Neon kit, I was embarrassed he had the gear in all honesty!

[mattcoll12491]

Or he's been triggered, can't forget that one! Haha

I was him last weekend... But once I'd had a work with myself and reviewed the balls in my head I was probably out

[fasteddie]

One utter pleb was given out twice, stood, and bullied the umpire into retracting.

Even when we bowled him he walked off shaking his head. I wanted to run over and lamp him

The other, well it was the chump who played against us last week. He's been thrown out of pretty much every league club he's played for and banned from the Middlesex league. He now plays for wandering sides.
A right chod. Gave it huge verbals, scratched around at #1 until my son  pinned him with a real fast short ball.
Left without paying his Skip, who was complaining royally about him

That bloke is the antithesis of the Spirit of Cricket.

[Montys Beard]

Do you know who he played for in the Middlesex league Eddie?