I'm pretty sure Focus are manufactured in India, which often can mean the willow will be a bit on the drier side. (As are the vast majority of bats available on the market - I should note) As mentioned, knocking in won't really fix the problem with the timber being drier. There are also dozens of manufacturers in India, and some don't actually press the higher region of the bat all that much - it's one of the ways they get the bows/one of the reasons why the blades are bowed that much. (Either on purpose, or just due to their processes) You'll notice some dent like mad higher up.
I never really pay for knocking in services unless I trust said person. If you're knocking it for someone who you know personally, you'll probably take a little more care, but otherwise, it might just be a way to get more money, but not something you enjoy, so you might not take the care an attention that it needs. And I'm going to call out/use as an example All Rounder Cricket here - I've seen 2 cases where the bats had knocking in paid for, and neither of them had any work done on them. In fact, in one of the cases, the bat was still in the cellophane shrink wrap.
This case looks like it could be a mixture of things. The service seems to have resulted in some sort of rounding at the edges, but I'd suspect not enough. Unfortunately a multi-variable thing, and can't really diagnose the exact reason for this happening.
Factors which affect the frequency in which this damage occurs- Dryness of timber - out of your control
- Brittleness in timber - out of your control
- Lack of pressure in pressing stage - out of your control
- Flat face without rounding at the edges - 50/50
- Lack of proper preparation - within your control - however in this case, you've paid for the service
- Poor quality balls - 50/50
- Poorly executed stroke - within your control
Should note that I'm not blaming you for any of this, you've paid good money for a service to have the bat ready to use, and I totally understand if you're annoyed and feel you'd be right to feel that way. I'd love for folks to be able to trust their 'local' retailers and batmakers where possible. But should an unfavourable response come from the retailer, and you want my recommendation to try mitigate the occurrence of this in the future - find the time to knock in your bat for yourself. (Also, don't buy from a sticker brand unless you're willing to take the risk in trusting that the bat has been manufactured well with high quality materials)