Custom Bats Cricket Forum
General Cricket => Latest Matches => Topic started by: dilscoop on May 06, 2014, 06:35:55 PM
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just out of curiosity ?
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While shaking my hand: Excellent game, well played, lunch was awesome but there was no toilet paper or hand soap in the washroom.
Redeeming factor: He was responsible for shining the ball for his own team.
First thing I did: Binned the gloves I was wearing.
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"I will fcoughing kill you."
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Your rubbish, cant hit the ball of the square. Stuck him on top of the pavilion next ball!
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"is your normal keeper away today"
that pissed me off! told him to look in league hand book for last 3 years
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"is your normal keeper away today"
that pissed me off! told him to look in league hand book for last 3 years
Mine was; i was blocking for a draw, and the keeper goes to me you must have some social life and i bet your Mrs is ugly.
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it'd be funny if the person who said that is on this forum and finds the post. :DDDDDD
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it'd be funny if the person who said that is on this forum and finds the post. :DDDDDD
hahahahaha. this will be an awesome entertaining thread if that happens...
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During the first innings "I'm terribly sorry skip, but the tea ladies have forgotten the cake"
Still haunts me after 7 years..................
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a guy squared up to me and threatened to knock me out because i was backing up too far...when he was already in his delivery stride...eh? how does that work then?
i promptly laughed in his face...said i was the one wearing the lid, and dispatched him onto our pavilion roof next ball...
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Does anyone here play in the premiere division in the Staffordshire league
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A F***ing cheat, on bank holiday monday. He clamied i took the bails of when he got clean bowled and the stump was hit backwards. It kicked off a bit and his own team mates agree that he is a bit of a *insert bad word* . Nothing worse than being called a cheat for me because i do everything i can 100% fair. Also a bit strange how he called me it after i had walked in the first innings
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At the weekend. Not me but one of my team got told he was hoing to get bummed in the shower after the game! Just to add a bit of context, the batsman was gay, and it all got a bit chopsy after that which was unnecessary. Especially as we were getting our asses handed to us anyway.
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Probably not the worst thing but I got really wound up when the bowler gave me a send off after I walked, that their umpire admired he wasn't going to give (he was half asleep when I snicked off)
Being told (in a family friendly version)
"That's it go away back to the pavilion you overweight lady garden" when I'd have still been batting had I not walked seemed a bit uncalled for...
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The worst for me isn't necessarily the filthiest.
The worst came from an Aussie overseas. He had averaged 70 all season and we were playing them in the last league game - a few county coaches came to have a look at him as he mooted ideas about staying as a kolpak player.
He didn't kick the day off well - we were really short so we had to call up an opening bowler from our thirds - who then went and castled him second ball, for a duck, with a full toss hitting half way up middle and leg.
He then came on to bowl later in the game and fair play to the guy, was pushing 75-80mph, but doing nothing with it. So much so my mate and I were clearing our front legs and just smashing him down the ground or over point.
This is where the worst sledge ever came down...
"Stop backing away you lady garden. If we were in Australia right now, I'd kill you with a bouncer"
This stunned not only me but his own team (They began apologising for his attitude and saying he had got all big-time since his success).
Funnily, before they began apologising, the batsman at the other end, generally one of those rare quiet/nice people - took his lid off and went "But we aren't in Australia are we. So back to your mark, Skippy".
He was so angry, the next two balls were 'bouncers' (Dusty, but slow track) and was taken off by their skipper.
Purely the worst because it was the most pathetic I have ever seen.
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i remember we played a premier team in the cup, i was keeping and my mate was at first slip. Batsmen made some comment about my mate being **** so he jokingly said i cant be that bad as i was in the paper last week (he was one of the randomly selected insert pics to use on the back page of our local rag). The batsmen then came back with i was in the paper too, because i raped your nan.
One of the most bizare things i've ever heard
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Ouch >:(
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Im only 16, and was playing in a low grade mens comp.
When I was batting the fast bowler from the opposition team came up to me and said he was going to rape me in the showers after the game. Safe to say thats the quickest shower ive ever had haha.
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My fav comment I've gotten was
I was in England playing as an Overseas a few years ago, I'm a fast bowler and had had an okay start to the season (this was about rd 5). Took a few wickets in the first Innings bowled ok, but then I came out to bat, was batting about 8 or 9 and we just had to block out 2 or 3 overs for the draw.
Anyway had been in a few balls looking solid when first slip said to me "have heard all about you from Australia, but I didn't realise you were an all rounder" I didnt mind this, pumping me up a bit, then came "Yeah, you're (No Swearing Please) (No Swearing Please) at everything"
Every game in England I'd always get" "that's a long way to paddle home" etc etc, but I'd give as much as I got.
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The best one I have heard for a while happened this weekend.
We were playing against a side who we play in a Sunday friendly twice a year, we have been every year for about the last 30 years. They are predominantly of West Indian heritage with many of them having lived there recently and they are all without exception a great bunch of blokes, so there probably wasn't as much malice as some of the ones in here but this really tickled me.
Our spinner, who is known for bowling rubbish if he starts getting some tap, released the ball. The 50 year old slightly rotund batsman facing almost immediately (whilst the ball was still in the air) shouted: "OH, DON' BOWL DER MAN!" in his broad Caribbean accent before absolutely pummelling this ball into the field back over the bowlers head. I have never seen someone actually start sledging before they have hit the ball, much less actually then smash it for a huuuuge six. I was cracking up with laughter, it was bloody hilarious.
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A team we were playing in Surrey 2nd XI div 2 last season fell out with each other!
A previous captain decided to take over the captaincy (known as bad santa due to his big white beard and bad ttitude), and most the team were so scared of him that they mutinied with him.
They were a mostly a team of Asian lads (including bad santa), one 15 year old Asian drops a standard boundary catch. The guy who had now taken over captaincy shouted.
"You're effing s..t!!! Why don't you eff off to heathrow before I call immigration to ship you off instead"
We were pretty stunned.
Some other great moments from that match:
The captain who had been overtaken was fielding deep midwicket. We scored a lot of runs one over as when the ball came to him he clapped it across the boundary.
Bad santa giving our captain abuse because we didn't declare at 300.
We declared at 325, they got 250 so weren't too far off.
The bank is a road so don't want to declare to early!
Mr.Chappers got 90 odd that day I believe.
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When I was 15, played my first season in the league 1st's. Think I was batting about 5 or 6 against East Molesey who had a South African overseas quick bowler. He proceeded to pepper me with bouncers and after every ball kept telling that he was going to kill me.
What a d*ck he was, but I thank him for introducing me to some of the drivel I've experienced over the next 25 years of playing.
On the funnier note, Billingshurst are up there with the best of them for nastier verbals, but made me laugh last year when I was was chirped for not playing shots. 'Your so boring, Antiques Roadshow must be your favourite TV show'. I didn't let on that I was looking forward to Casualty when I got home from the game !
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The worst thing by far is when the Umpire says; 'You're out'.
Nothing hurts more than that.
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Father in law comes on to bowl, Umpire asks his name: ''Phil Park'' he replies.
Umpire turns around and says: ''Do you have a brother?''
''No... But my sister has''
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i play 2nd XI and have done for a few years so most people in the league know me by now. i don't get sledged much as i tend to keep my mouth shut when batting and focus my energies on abusing my team mates in the field from behind the stumps.
anyway the most effective comment was from a young oppo keeper last season as i raised my bat for my half century after 18 overs in an away game. he said "that's your second 50 against us this season isn't it?"
it was such a mild comment and probably not intended to wind me up at all, but i got run out the very next ball!
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The most comedy bit of sledging I've experienced was playing at Eton when I was about 15. Their keeper loved a bit of chat as their bowler was coming in, all sorts of stuff being said the usual bit of comedy banter etc. but it was a bit incessant, nigh on every delivery.
I was opening with my friend and we got to about the 10th over with him facing when the keeper said this; (slightly altered) - "My god, how do you play Cricket with such tatty old bat. It must be horrible being poor."
To which he replied "At least Mummy and Daddy love me and don't ship me off to boarding school to get abused by older kids."
It must have hit a nerve as he shut up for the rest of the innings.....
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By far the worst put down I ever heard was delivered by one of our former players when he returned with his new club - "you're not good enough for me to bother sledging you any more".
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Two seasons ago a 15 year old came out with me to open, as he took his guard 2nd slip said hey son there's S--T on the end of your bat the lad then turned his bat upwards and looked at the toe 2nd slip then said not that end the other end. Disgraceful IMO.
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The most comedy bit of sledging I've experienced was playing at Eton when I was about 15. Their keeper loved a bit of chat as their bowler was coming in, all sorts of stuff being said the usual bit of comedy banter etc. but it was a bit incessant, nigh on every delivery.
I was opening with my friend and we got to about the 10th over with him facing when the keeper said this; (slightly altered) - "My god, how do you play Cricket with such tatty old bat. It must be horrible being poor."
To which he replied "At least Mummy and Daddy love me and don't ship me off to boarding school to get abused by older kids."
It must have hit a nerve as he shut up for the rest of the innings.....
I enjoy this comeback a lot! :)
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Square leg umpire, one of our opponent's players, didn't give a run out. I was at point so I had the same view (albeit from the opposite side, but could see he should've given it) as him and it wasn't even close. It was one of those ones were everyone celebrates because they knew it was out. The bloke was a good two metres short. But square leg didn't give it, and there was shock. At change of over I crossed paths with him and couldn't help but ask him "need me to clean your glasses, mate?" He flew off the handle and responded with "yeah and then you can suck my c--k you fat c--t". I just laughed at him, because he was bigger than me and that reaction basically proved his guilt, but the rest of my team lay into him and had him removed from umpiring.
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The best one I have heard for a while happened this weekend.
We were playing against a side who we play in a Sunday friendly twice a year, we have been every year for about the last 30 years. They are predominantly of West Indian heritage with many of them having lived there recently and they are all without exception a great bunch of blokes, so there probably wasn't as much malice as some of the ones in here but this really tickled me.
Our spinner, who is known for bowling rubbish if he starts getting some tap, released the ball. The 50 year old slightly rotund batsman facing almost immediately (whilst the ball was still in the air) shouted: "OH, DON' BOWL DER MAN!" in his broad Caribbean accent before absolutely pummelling this ball into the field back over the bowlers head. I have never seen someone actually start sledging before they have hit the ball, much less actually then smash it for a huuuuge six. I was cracking up with laughter, it was bloody hilarious.
i had one like this last year, 19 year old who really can nail a ball but also cocky but in a funny non harmful way. The bowler was giving him some grief which he replyed 'watch this next ball big man'. The bowler ran in and as he went to strike the ball from the pavillion all we could hear was 'BOOOOM what are you saying!!!!' and it was one of the biggest hits i have seen. Never laughed so much at a match
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Had so much over the years its hard to remember it all lol
I remember getting chirped by an opening bowler about 4 years ago every ball in his original 8 over spell he had a huge run up but wasn't overly sharp and it was a roasting hot day. When he came on again for his closing spell at end of the innings I already had a ton and he was still giving me loads so I backed away 4 balls in a row just as he got to the end of his run up,meh was then blowing so much he bowled 3-4 wides, no balls and ended up running in about 14 times in the over. At the end of the over I replied with something like who's the silly .....now then.
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One of the old guard of our team came out to bat in what was his 50th year at the club, as he made his way the crease the opposition formed a guard as our captain gave a tip of before the game. He walked out and they cheered etc. But one lad on the end who's locally known as the 'nutjob' said " don't worry old'yin, we'll have you back in the home just in time for your flu jab or your pants to be changed'. He smiles and takes his mark.
A few overs on the nutjob comes onto bowl.
Old locky, rocks back and nails him over his head and into the side screen.
He cooly replies "lucky you dodged that, at the speed that was traveling, I think you ought to change your whites son"
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One of the old guard of our team came out to bat in what was his 50th year at the club, as he made his way the crease the opposition formed a guard as our captain gave a tip of before the game. He walked out and they cheered etc. But one lad on the end who's locally known as the 'nutjob' said " don't worry old'yin, we'll have you back in the home just in time for your flu jab or your pants to be changed'. He smiles and takes his mark.
A few overs on the nutjob comes onto bowl.
Old locky, rocks back and nails him over his head and into the side screen.
He cooly replies "lucky you dodged that, at the speed that was traveling, I think you ought to change your whites son"
Brilliant, should never give abuse to anyone still playing into old age, they've heard it all before and know how to deal with it.
I'm going to be honest i'm not proud of the below (some words have been changed to popular confectionery choices and the below happened to the best of my memory, albeit some wording and times may be inaccurate but you get the idea) but....
It was a scorching hot day last year, 1pm start time, my lot were there at midday, stumps out, field set up etc.... 12.30 we're warming up, no sign of the oppostion. 12.50 comes and still no-one, call the captains phone, no answer. 1pm comes and four lads casually stroll up.
Me: "Where's your skipper?"
Rude Youth 1: "Dunno"
Me "Well the game was supposed to start a couple of minutes ago"
Rude Youth 2: "Yeah, right.....*just looks at me*
Don;t lose my cool easily so just wandered away and said to my lot get ready to field, 1.10pm comes - a three more of them turn up.
Me: "You're a bit late, we've been waiting for you"
Them " Yeah"
No apology. Still kept cool, pulled out league handbook "Well, you're late so you forefit the toss, we'll field, can you get padded up please as we're behind time already"
Take my lot into the field and set positions, five minutes go's past, they've barely got any pads on, just chatting with their mates.
"Sorry chaps, would you please mind coming out to bat?"
Another 5 minutes, a few more turn up, two of their young 16 year olds finally come out to bat, their skipper who's also just turmed up, in his 40's (Stil no apology) comes on to umpire at square leg. By this time I had pretty much lost the plot, the sheer rudeness of this lot got to me.
I field at first slip as standard and as he was taking guard I gave him a little bit of mouth as there's two things I hate, rudeness and lateness. Our Bangladeshi swing bowler comes in, rearranges his timbers with a yorker first ball. As he wanders off I give him both barrels "Good, you fudging deserved that you Twix, now fudge off and send the next Twix in and be fudging quick about it or I'll time the crunchy out"
Their skipper starts coming over and says "They're young lads, there's no need for that, completely out of order!" ..... My exact retort was "And you can fudge of too mate" an argument proceeded where I demanded an apology from him. Yet another good advert for the Middlesex league.
Like I said, I'm not proud of it and in hindsight I viciously gave a young lad a send off and feel guilty but I have never seen any club in any sport show so much total disregard for another club in my life. The good neqs is we gave them an absolute hiding and I scored a rage induced 47....
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This probably comes under the 'funniest' category. Had a work colleague who, years ago, played some league cricket in the Caribbean. He's fielding against a team where a couple of guys are filling their boots. he overhears one of three elderly locals in the crowd as one guy is spanking the bowler to all corners... "Yes, Yes, YES, make de willow sing!"
But the reason for the post is this one. My ex-colleague is fielding on the boundary and being run ragged, in front of these three guys, for boundary after boundary. After a few overs of this he goes back to his position to hear one of these guys say "Get de white boy a bike...!"
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Had something similar when we played at port folly in Jamaica. One of our bowlers, who likes to at least pretend he's a bit special was taken for four consecutive sixes over the square leg boundary, by the sea wall. The wag who kept collecting the ball, after the second, kept chanting "lollipop bowler", and after the match, presented him with a chupa chup lollipop.
Needless to say that it started a tour award...
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Brilliant, should never give abuse to anyone still playing into old age, they've heard it all before and know how to deal with it.
I'm going to be honest i'm not proud of the below (some words have been changed to popular confectionery choices and the below happened to the best of my memory, albeit some wording and times may be inaccurate but you get the idea) but....
It was a scorching hot day last year, 1pm start time, my lot were there at midday, stumps out, field set up etc.... 12.30 we're warming up, no sign of the oppostion. 12.50 comes and still no-one, call the captains phone, no answer. 1pm comes and four lads casually stroll up.
Me: "Where's your skipper?"
Rude Youth 1: "Dunno"
Me "Well the game was supposed to start a couple of minutes ago"
Rude Youth 2: "Yeah, right.....*just looks at me*
Don;t lose my cool easily so just wandered away and said to my lot get ready to field, 1.10pm comes - a three more of them turn up.
Me: "You're a bit late, we've been waiting for you"
Them " Yeah"
No apology. Still kept cool, pulled out league handbook "Well, you're late so you forefit the toss, we'll field, can you get padded up please as we're behind time already"
Take my lot into the field and set positions, five minutes go's past, they've barely got any pads on, just chatting with their mates.
"Sorry chaps, would you please mind coming out to bat?"
Another 5 minutes, a few more turn up, two of their young 16 year olds finally come out to bat, their skipper who's also just turmed up, in his 40's (Stil no apology) comes on to umpire at square leg. By this time I had pretty much lost the plot, the sheer rudeness of this lot got to me.
I field at first slip as standard and as he was taking guard I gave him a little bit of mouth as there's two things I hate, rudeness and lateness. Our Bangladeshi swing bowler comes in, rearranges his timbers with a yorker first ball. As he wanders off I give him both barrels "Good, you fudging deserved that you Twix, now fudge off and send the next Twix in and be fudging quick about it or I'll time the crunchy out"
Their skipper starts coming over and says "They're young lads, there's no need for that, completely out of order!" ..... My exact retort was "And you can fudge of too mate" an argument proceeded where I demanded an apology from him. Yet another good advert for the Middlesex league.
Like I said, I'm not proud of it and in hindsight I viciously gave a young lad a send off and feel guilty but I have never seen any club in any sport show so much total disregard for another club in my life. The good neqs is we gave them an absolute hiding and I scored a rage induced 47....
Sad to say in a league I played in a couple of season's back lateness was a consistent problem, and by consistent all teams fell foul. It was totally down to communication (lack of) and game times changing from the fixture list. Add to that late changes of venue, so you'd turn up at one ground then have to drive six or seven miles to another, and it was total chaos. To be fair everyone involved was always apologetic because they'd all been there. What did pee you off was when change of venues cost you players because they didn't have their mobiles with them and went to the wrong place. We always left players there, but you can only wait so long. On one occasion the opposition played the forfeit toss card - even though they had caused the problem by changing the venue - and made us field with five men (two were still at the original venue waiting for the rest of the guys).
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Playing Cheam in a league match a few years ago, my brother was bowling to a young Michael Carberry. My brother hit him on the knee roll just in the right spot and he went down in a lot of pain.
From the sideline, his dad shouts 'Get up, what you doing getting hit by a medium pacer like that'.
Everyone creased up.
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I was involved in a lovely setup in a tour game. A member of the oppo was being a bit of a (No Swearing Please) and pretending he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. This guy was bowling to our batsmen and giving it the big I am. During a lull in proceedings one of our team mates who was umpiring said " he's being a bit of a (No Swearing Please), I am going to no ball him". Next ball the lad bowls "no ball" and it disappears into the field for six. Another nudge and a wink and the same thing happens again, no ball into the field. By the end of the over the guy is nearly in tears as he gets a blow. Sometimes it's not what you say but what follows that matters.
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