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[compstallcc]

The best one I have heard for a while happened this weekend.

We were playing against a side who we play in a Sunday friendly twice a year, we have been every year for about the last 30 years. They are predominantly of West Indian heritage with many of them having lived there recently and they are all without exception a great bunch of blokes, so there probably wasn't as much malice as some of the ones in here but this really tickled me.

Our spinner, who is known for bowling rubbish if he starts getting some tap, released the ball. The 50 year old slightly rotund batsman facing almost immediately (whilst the ball was still in the air) shouted: "OH, DON' BOWL DER MAN!" in his broad Caribbean accent before absolutely pummelling this ball into the field back over the bowlers head. I have never seen someone actually start sledging before they have hit the ball, much less actually then smash it for a huuuuge six. I was cracking up with laughter, it was bloody hilarious.

i had one like this last year, 19 year old who really can nail a ball but also cocky but in a funny non harmful way. The bowler was giving him some grief which he replyed 'watch this next ball big man'. The bowler ran in and as he went to strike the ball from the pavillion all we could hear was 'BOOOOM what are you saying!!!!' and it was one of the biggest hits i have seen. Never laughed so much at a match

[SOULMAN1012]

Had so much over the years its hard to remember it all lol

I remember getting chirped by an opening bowler about 4 years ago every ball in his original 8 over spell he had a huge run up but wasn't overly sharp and it was a roasting hot day. When he came on again for his closing spell at end of the innings I already had a ton and he was still giving me loads so I backed away 4 balls in a row just as he got to the end of his run up,meh was then blowing so much he bowled 3-4 wides, no balls and ended up running in about 14 times in the over. At the end of the over I replied with something like who's the silly .....now then.

[lewis_faulds]

One of the old guard of our team came out to bat in what was his 50th year at the club, as he made his way the crease the opposition formed a guard as our captain gave a tip of before the game. He walked out and they cheered etc. But one lad on the end who's locally known as the 'nutjob' said " don't worry old'yin, we'll have you back in the home just in time for your flu jab or your pants to be changed'. He smiles and takes his mark.

A few overs on the nutjob comes onto bowl.

Old locky, rocks back and nails him over his head and into the side screen.

He cooly replies "lucky you dodged that, at the speed that was traveling, I think you ought to change your whites son"

[Montys Beard]

One of the old guard of our team came out to bat in what was his 50th year at the club, as he made his way the crease the opposition formed a guard as our captain gave a tip of before the game. He walked out and they cheered etc. But one lad on the end who's locally known as the 'nutjob' said " don't worry old'yin, we'll have you back in the home just in time for your flu jab or your pants to be changed'. He smiles and takes his mark.

A few overs on the nutjob comes onto bowl.

Old locky, rocks back and nails him over his head and into the side screen.

He cooly replies "lucky you dodged that, at the speed that was traveling, I think you ought to change your whites son"

Brilliant, should never give abuse to anyone still playing into old age, they've heard it all before and know how to deal with it.

I'm going to be honest i'm not proud of the below (some words have been changed to popular confectionery choices and the below happened to the best of my memory, albeit some wording and times may be inaccurate but you get the idea) but....

It was a scorching hot day last year, 1pm start time, my lot were there at midday, stumps out, field set up etc.... 12.30 we're warming up, no sign of the oppostion. 12.50 comes and still no-one, call the captains phone, no answer. 1pm comes and four lads casually stroll up.

Me: "Where's your skipper?"
Rude Youth 1: "Dunno"
Me "Well the game was supposed to start a couple of minutes ago"
Rude Youth 2: "Yeah, right.....*just looks at me*

Don;t lose my cool easily so just wandered away and said to my lot get ready to field, 1.10pm comes - a three more of them turn up.

Me: "You're a bit late, we've been waiting for you"
Them " Yeah"

No apology. Still kept cool, pulled out league handbook "Well, you're late so you forefit the toss, we'll field, can you get padded up please as we're behind time already"

Take my lot into the field and set positions, five minutes go's past, they've barely got any pads on, just chatting with their mates.

"Sorry chaps, would you please mind coming out to bat?"

Another 5 minutes, a few more turn up, two of their young 16 year olds finally come out to bat, their skipper who's also just turmed up, in his 40's (Stil no apology) comes on to umpire at square leg. By this time I had pretty much lost the plot, the sheer rudeness of this lot got to me.

I field at first slip as standard and as he was taking guard I gave him a little bit of mouth as there's two things I hate, rudeness and lateness. Our Bangladeshi swing bowler comes in, rearranges his timbers with a yorker first ball. As he wanders off I give him both barrels  "Good, you fudging deserved that you Twix, now fudge off and send the next Twix in and be fudging quick about it or I'll time the crunchy out"

Their skipper starts coming over and says "They're young lads, there's no need for that, completely out of order!" ..... My exact retort was "And you can fudge of too mate" an argument proceeded where I demanded an apology from him. Yet another good advert for the Middlesex league.

Like I said, I'm not proud of it and in hindsight I viciously gave a young lad a send off and feel guilty but I  have never seen any club in any sport show so much total disregard for another club in my life. The good neqs is we gave them an absolute hiding and I scored a rage induced 47....

[jamielsn15]

This probably comes under the 'funniest' category.  Had a work colleague who, years ago, played some league cricket in the Caribbean.  He's fielding against a team where a couple of guys are filling their boots.  he overhears one of three elderly locals in the crowd as one guy is spanking the bowler to all corners... "Yes, Yes, YES, make de willow sing!"

But the reason for the post is this one.  My ex-colleague is fielding on the boundary and being run ragged, in front of these three guys, for boundary after boundary.  After a few overs of this he goes back to his position to hear one of these guys say "Get de white boy a bike...!"

[tim2000s]

Had something similar when we played at port folly in Jamaica. One of our bowlers, who likes to at least pretend he's a bit special was taken for four consecutive sixes over the square leg boundary, by the sea wall. The wag who kept collecting the ball, after the second, kept chanting "lollipop bowler", and after the match, presented him with a chupa chup lollipop.

Needless to say that it started a tour award...

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[trypewriter]

Brilliant, should never give abuse to anyone still playing into old age, they've heard it all before and know how to deal with it.

I'm going to be honest i'm not proud of the below (some words have been changed to popular confectionery choices and the below happened to the best of my memory, albeit some wording and times may be inaccurate but you get the idea) but....

It was a scorching hot day last year, 1pm start time, my lot were there at midday, stumps out, field set up etc.... 12.30 we're warming up, no sign of the oppostion. 12.50 comes and still no-one, call the captains phone, no answer. 1pm comes and four lads casually stroll up.

Me: "Where's your skipper?"
Rude Youth 1: "Dunno"
Me "Well the game was supposed to start a couple of minutes ago"
Rude Youth 2: "Yeah, right.....*just looks at me*

Don;t lose my cool easily so just wandered away and said to my lot get ready to field, 1.10pm comes - a three more of them turn up.

Me: "You're a bit late, we've been waiting for you"
Them " Yeah"

No apology. Still kept cool, pulled out league handbook "Well, you're late so you forefit the toss, we'll field, can you get padded up please as we're behind time already"

Take my lot into the field and set positions, five minutes go's past, they've barely got any pads on, just chatting with their mates.

"Sorry chaps, would you please mind coming out to bat?"

Another 5 minutes, a few more turn up, two of their young 16 year olds finally come out to bat, their skipper who's also just turmed up, in his 40's (Stil no apology) comes on to umpire at square leg. By this time I had pretty much lost the plot, the sheer rudeness of this lot got to me.

I field at first slip as standard and as he was taking guard I gave him a little bit of mouth as there's two things I hate, rudeness and lateness. Our Bangladeshi swing bowler comes in, rearranges his timbers with a yorker first ball. As he wanders off I give him both barrels  "Good, you fudging deserved that you Twix, now fudge off and send the next Twix in and be fudging quick about it or I'll time the crunchy out"

Their skipper starts coming over and says "They're young lads, there's no need for that, completely out of order!" ..... My exact retort was "And you can fudge of too mate" an argument proceeded where I demanded an apology from him. Yet another good advert for the Middlesex league.

Like I said, I'm not proud of it and in hindsight I viciously gave a young lad a send off and feel guilty but I  have never seen any club in any sport show so much total disregard for another club in my life. The good neqs is we gave them an absolute hiding and I scored a rage induced 47....

Sad to say in a league I played in a couple of season's back lateness was a consistent problem, and by consistent all teams fell foul. It was totally down to communication (lack of) and game times changing from the fixture list. Add to that late changes of venue, so you'd turn up at one ground then have to drive six or seven miles to another, and it was total chaos. To be fair everyone involved was always apologetic because they'd all been there. What did pee you off was when change of venues cost you players because they didn't have their mobiles with them and went to the wrong place. We always left players there, but you can only wait so long. On one occasion the opposition played the forfeit toss card - even though they had caused the problem by changing the venue - and made us field with five men (two were still at the original venue waiting for the rest of the guys).

[bruggers100]

Playing Cheam in a league match a few years ago, my brother was bowling to a young Michael Carberry.  My brother hit him on the knee roll just in the right spot and he went down in a lot of pain.

From the sideline, his dad shouts 'Get up, what you doing getting hit by a medium pacer like that'.

Everyone creased up.

[uknsaunders]

I was involved in a lovely setup in a tour game. A member of the oppo was being a bit of a (No Swearing Please) and pretending he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. This guy was bowling to our batsmen and giving it the big I am. During a lull in proceedings one of our team mates who was umpiring said " he's being a bit of a (No Swearing Please), I am going to no ball him". Next ball the lad bowls "no ball" and it disappears into the field for six. Another nudge and a wink and the same thing happens again, no ball into the field. By the end of the over the guy is nearly in tears as he gets a blow. Sometimes it's not what you say but what follows that matters.

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