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[sachin200]

I am a keeper and always looking for quick one liners. I am not witty by nature nor am I good at coming up with stuff that can crack people, so I try to remember whatever I myself have heard to give it back to the guys coming in to bat.
Here is my favourite ones -

A guy edging and catches repeatedly dropping short - he is trying to get his bats edges knocked!
A guy having a go at a ball with a full blooded swing and missing it completely - where is it man? I can't see it at all. Has it reached the moon yet?
A guy with good quality kit but limited skills - the kit is not gonna make runs if the guy using it is a dumb!
Someone taking extra time to get ready/asking others to tie his shoelaces/adjust his helmet strap etc. - where is your butler man?
Any more funny suggestions?

[tom line]

After several plays and misses from one batsmen in a row our captain shouts out, "watch out lads his bats on tinder"

[langer17]

Had a bloke ask for people to move out of his eyesight but they weren't anywhere near his eyesight as they were behind mid off. Next over comes around and there's a tree in a similar spot behind the bowler from this end,  so I asked him if he wanted me to call Jim's mowing to cut it down for him. I quite liked that one haha.

[Northern monkey]

'This lads a big hitter'
As a new batter walks to the crease

[Mr_Orange]

A former opening batsmen from our team was clueless against a legspinner who, after beating the bat 3-4 balls on the run, said to him "want me to go and buy you a book on how to play legspin?". Our bat said nothing but next ball got an almighty slog sweep out and put him into the adjacent canal. He walked down the pitch, tapped his bat down a few times and said "want me to buy you a dog to go and fetch that ball?".

[justnotcricket86]

One of the worst I have heard. One of our chaps shouted the "more blocks than a lego set" line.

Keep in mind they were chasing 180 and were about 125/1 at this point.....Sent him to long on/long off for 10 overs to think about his behavior

[The Cricket Boutique]

Playing in our first team a few years ago and one of our old opening bowlers, who used to be quick but turned to bowling steady medium at best was bowling at this lad (about 17).

Bowler tries to bowl a short one which gets to just above hip height and then pipes up with "Ten years ago that would have been up round your head" to which I replied from slip "Ten years ago the lad would have been 7 and about 3 feet tall"

Not sure about sledging your own team mates but I couldn't help it.

[FattusCattus]

One of the worst I have heard. One of our chaps shouted the "more blocks than a lego set" line.

Keep in mind they were chasing 180 and were about 125/1 at this point.....Sent him to long on/long off for 10 overs to think about his behavior

This.

I find most of the sledging that happens at the level I play at is done by a clueless, talentless youngster and is usually toe-curlingly bad. Often the sledge comes from the bloke who takes no wickets or scores no runs each week and just makes him look like a dick.

I'll wade in if the bloke has blatantly cheated or is picking on a youngster, but other than that - if you are of average talent - best keep schtum, this game has a habit of biting you on the ass!

[WalkingWicket37]

We played against a guy wearing those Purple and Yellow Puma spikes last season.
He didn't bowl and was doing fine leg to fine leg in the first innings, but we thought he must have been good to play wearing them.

Turned out he batted number 11. Our keeper couldn't help himself when he was taking guard and piped up "big wicket here guys, even is his shoes are brighter than his talent".

[Seniorplayer]

 Not the best but Theres two that I remember both aimed at me I walk out to open  our  the batting  fielders and umpires  are in position  I say middle please umpire followed by taking guard then I hear a shout from the oppositions Aussie pro standing at 1st slip of : Hey mate there's S--T on the end of of your bat so I take a look at the toe he then shouts not that end the other F----ing end.
                                                                                                                                                                                       The  other sledge which I thought was funny was I was facing a county spinner the ball was spinning one way then the other and bouncing at speed I couldn't  get a bat on it after a few overs of this someone shouts : bowl him a newspaper see if he can read that!.

[Calzehbhoy]

One that got me a couple of ears back and I still don't know why it worked but it did...

Walked out to bat and the WK just said 'Bloody hell, this guy must be good he's got shiny stickers on his bat'. I was averaging 42 for the year but that just made me completely lose focus, I was out for a horrid 13 ball duck!

[Stuey]

I was once that annoying kid at short leg trying to sledge Ken Mcewan during  an Essex league game. TBF it was our keeper/skipper egging me on, I wasn't really comfortable with it and terrible at it. All it did was entice Mcewan to try to hit me every ball no matter where it pitched, I ended up leaping around all over the place to avoid the ball. After a few overs I gave up, despite my skipper telling me to carry on. The worst of it was we batted 2nd, so I had to endure Mcewan telling me I was the worst number 3 in the league, by which point I as mentally shot. At 16 it was a valuable lesson!     

[sachin200]

I myself have called people by third-grade Bollywood movie star names etc. for the people who showed attitude while coming in to bat. Have asked our quickies to bowl slow since the batter was too old and too scared to face real pace etc.

[Manormanic]

Nah, the best was one of our "old medium pacers" who, after an over of play-and-misses and an edge for four took off his glasses and handed them to the batsmen!

[WalkingWicket37]

I myself have called people by third-grade Bollywood movie star names etc.

Brett Lee??